five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
