do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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