hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
