Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Let's paint friendship bongs
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
