Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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