Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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