Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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