I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
