Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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