How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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