I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
