are you still at the devil's house?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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