you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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