you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
