You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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