did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
