She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
