omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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