Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
