You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
