you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
