hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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