i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
