Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
