Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
