You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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