were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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