Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
