I can text with my tongue
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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