Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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