So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
