Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
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