I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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