dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
