I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
i think i just lost a toe
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
