can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
