I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
