The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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