I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
