Porn is love you can see.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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