I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
