Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
not ubering you a puppy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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