life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
