I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
