Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
