I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
