She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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