What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
