Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
