I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
