I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
