why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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