Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
not ubering you a puppy
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
