After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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